Recently I was talking to a friend who asked how we were going to celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend in worship. I’ll give you a quick version of my answer, then reflect a little more.
The quick answer: We have become more aware over the years that some, and perhaps many, people have had a difficult experience with “mothering.” Perhaps their own mother died young, struggled with the stress of parenting, or was unkind. Perhaps they themselves have struggled to parent well, or have lost a child in a tragic way. Mother’s Day can be a beautiful occasion for some, but it can be a very painful occasion for some. So, while we will certainly be glad to offer a “Happy Mother’s Day” to those for whom this is a day of celebration, we do not tend to approach the day in a way that presumes everyone has had positive mothering experiences.
My friend’s genuine and thoughtful response was, “Wow. I have never even thought about how Mother’s Day could be painful for people. It’s really good that your church takes that into consideration.” I want to lean into his response as a way of thinking about Mother’s Day.
My own experience of having a mother was wonderful, so I have all the sweet feelings that many Mother’s Day cards presume. But even in my family, and especially my extended family, that has not always been the case. I can remember a church service from my youth where they identified the oldest and youngest mothers and grandmothers in the room. (Terrible idea and the process of asking all the grandmothers over 80 or under 40 to stand was very awkward. I’m guessing a group of men came up with this idea.) My mother stood up as the youngest grandmother only because she was too honest to remain seated. She was a bit embarrassed to be a grandmother at age 36 and there had been some very difficult moments along the way.
When my friend said, “I never even thought about how Mother’s Day could be painful,” he was probably speaking for many people. To them, perhaps, it may seem that we are going too far in the direction of being sensitive to that pain, but it seems that the church’s better path is to recognize a wide spectrum of joys and concerns that accompany the notion of mothering, including those for whom mothering was never an option.
I also want to recognize how often and awkwardly the church stumbles when we try to do things well. I think of how hard many of our folks have worked to make our language inclusive, insisting on “men and women,” instead of simply “men,” or “brothers and sisters” instead of simply “brothers.” Even so, now that we are more aware that many of us are non-binary or transgender, we’re trying to learn how “humanity” or “sibling” are more inclusive terms. Better yet, when we become aware of our anthropocentrism, we aim for words like “creatures” instead of “humans” to be more fully inclusive. I hope we continue to cultivate a community with enough grace to laugh at ourselves when we do our best and still have more to learn. I love the saying, “We do the best with what we know and when we know better we do better.” That seems to be the tone of grace that we all need, especially around Mother’s Day.
So, for those of you have had or still have sweet and positive experiences of mothering or being mothered, I hope this weekend gives you many opportunities to say thanks for those wonderful gifts. For those of you whose experiences of mothering (or not) and being mothered have been painful, I hope this weekend offers you a chance to lament, heal, or even celebrate the strength you have attained along the way. And for those whose experiences have been a mixed bag of joy and challenge, I hope you find the grace to celebrate the joy and find peace in the challenge - all at once.
Mark of St. Mark
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